An Argument Against Self-Improvement

"Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn't do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness."  - Pema Chödrön

In spiritual development circles we often hear the term no-self thrown around. We are told that we need to destroy the ego and let go of our past to progress on our path. And in my experience, I’ve found this to be true, that in the process of awakening to the truth of who we are there is in fact a lot of destruction of the old self, and then, eventually, much re-building. Along the path, our hopes and dreams fall apart, but new ones develop.

Transformation is the name of the game we are in.

Alchemy.

Constant alchemy and evolution.

Even if we try our hardest to remain in a state of stagnancy, hoping to God that by staying in the exact same spot we might find reliable comfort, change will always find us. Just remembering that you’ll inevitably age, and also definitely die, is the all-too-real reminder that this constant state of change is reality.  The question then becomes who is in charge of the direction these changes are taking you? In a world full of violence, hate and brutality that is constantly affecting the entire planetary energy field is it even possible to change for the better? Is it even worth trying?  

In the face of these ongoing challenges many have chosen to attempt to create the best versions of themselves. And we have become incredibly creative and innovative in the ways we are attempting to improve the body and mind. We’ve created pills to make us thinner, no longer needing to diet or exercise, and pills to take away the anxiety, no longer needing to meditate and apply emotional regulation. We have every surgery and beauty technique there is, in an attempt increase sexual attraction and fame. Add more hair, make the lips bigger, bulk up the male muscles so they’re eye-catching and so many more.

But it makes me wonder, what are we trying to improve?

Over thousands of years of existence we’ve all built up complicated identities, as our soul goes round and round on this wheel of energetic momentum. Along the way we’ve decided that we belong to certain tribes, countries, genders, styles, genres and more- but within this current state of accelerating global violence we’re clearly apart of, I just keep hearing the words in my head- if there is an us, there will always be a them. Could we possibly improve our human experience by letting go of these artificial identities and instead choose to be free, as we are, in the moment, without the need of a label that was developed from past experiences? This is different approach then trying to improve the self.

Self-improvement often asks us to throw out the qualities we have that in actuality make us the rich, and deep, individuals we need to be. Quirkiness, impulsiveness, weirdness, bluntness, procrastinator, daydreamer, ruminator and more… yes, these qualities can be neurotic and annoying, but they also often lead us to our genius side, when we apply love instead of hate to our internal personality features.

I’ve found this approach of acceptance much harder in many ways than working on self-improvement. Unconditional acceptance requires courage, determination, patience, and persistence. It requires not paying attention to other people’s projections of who you should be or how you should live, and really taping into who you are, in this moment, with no pretense.

And as well, it requires something even harder. It asks of you to let go of needing to know how the future will turn out, a type of being willing to not care so much about things changing, or improving, and to instead focus on caring about your own wellness and well-being in the exact moment you are in,  even in the midst of the crazy shitshow that is presenting.

This process of letting go of wanting things to manifest the way you want them to can be a slow agony, at times. Surrendering to the moment as it is allows all the fake uncertainties you created to dissolve and fall away, and you find yourself floating unattached, with no story.

It can feel lonely and purposeless, this letting go, but also when really embraced allows for a type of freedom from falsehoods. A temporary bliss arises, and this sense of having no identity becomes the best feeling you have ever had, but then it too falls away and there is a free-falling sense of nothingness, that at times can induce a terror then when opened up to becomes liberation.

As you learn to love the terror of no longer working to improve your situation, a burning sensation often rushes through you, and the heart of alchemy is in motion. Soon after a lightness comes, and the idea of self-improvement starts to feel ridiculous, as you see there has never been anything wrong with you, so what would you be improving, anyways.